Thirty

Today is Dave's big 3-0. In lieu of a Friday Five post (which it has been a few weeks! yikes!), I thought I would pay homage to Dave in a Friday Thirty Post. There isn't a set rule for this list, some of it is just random tidbits about Dave, other things are things I love about him.  

1. Dave is the most supportive, kind, caring husband a girl could ever dream up. When I couldn't eat Monday due to the surgery, Dave chose not to eat or drink either, just so I didn't have to watch him eat or drink. I had to get a nurse to practically force feed him in pre-op just so I knew he would have something in him. 

2. He is ridiculously smart. Dave is the kind of smart that can look at something that is broken and fix it, even if he's never seen it before.  I wish I had that kind of skill.

3. He's a terrible movie lover. As long as it's not a romantic comedy or chick flick, it's a great movie to Dave. Yes, even those knock off movies that mash up stereotypes from one genre of film into one movie. It's bad. 

4. There is something about Dave that kids love. They immediately hone in on him and just watch him. It's really cute, until little girls end up hating me for "taking their man". 

5. He lets me put my really cold hands underneath his shirt onto his warm belly. He hates it and still lets me do it. That's love, people.

6. In the winter, I hate getting into a cold bed. Dave makes it a point to lie on my side of the bed to warm it up for me. It helps that he loves getting into a cold bed. 

7. He's really good about throwing a meal together with spices that he's never used before without a recipe. It makes me jealous.

8. He's obsessed with our cars and making sure they are always clean. Before Dave I never cleaned my car, now once a month our cars have to be cleaned. He even made it a point to detail his truck for my graduation so people could see us drive around in a clean truck. I'm pretty sure the only person who noticed or cared was Dave himself. 

9.  We liked to waste our time on sites like Buzzfeed laughing at the lists so hard we start crying. I'm pretty sure it started out with him just putting up with me saying oh look at these adorable cats, but it's evolved into "our thing". 

10. Whenever we get into an argument, all he has to do is kiss my hand to reduce me to a fit of giggles. He knows this and uses it often. 

11. I hate peanut butter and he loves it. He once told me that it makes him sad that I don't like it because he wanted to share his Reese's with me. 

12. He always gives me a piece of bacon off whatever he is eating when we go out.

13. I don't know any other man alive that would be willing to share their bacon and peanut butter cups with someone else. It makes me wonder how I got so lucky? 

14. He loves having his head massaged. I can get him snoring in about a minute flat when I start massaging his head. I think it's one of the cutest things about him.

15. He has no problem jumping behind the sewing machine to help me when I'm struggling with quilts. 

16. Dave is so supportive, he should be a bra. Too much? I signed up for school within two months of dating Dave and there were many nights where homework was teamwork and pep talks were needed to get me to stay in school. 

17. He taught me that it's okay to say you're sorry when you should be and to swallow your pride. Before Dave, I never wanted to apologize and I just wanted to stay angry at the person I was fighting with. He was the first one to show me that being the first to say you're wrong doesn't make you a weak person.

18. He has shown me what a great marriage can be. It's hard work sometimes, but it never feels like it. 

19. If we are walking, I always have to walk on the "inside" just in case a crazy driver is around. It used to annoy me, it made me feel like a child, now I love how it's another way for him to show me how much he cares.

20. I knew I found a great man when we first started dating because he would wake up an hour earlier than he needed to to help me straighten the back of my hair when it was too short for me to do it on my own. This was within a month or two of us dating. 

21. I love it when he changes the words to a song, most of the time. There are times when I have to impose a "don't eff it up" moratorium on a song. 

Dave is trying to be like R. Kelly in this picture from my sister's wedding. The look on my dad's face is pretty self explanatory.

22. He's supposed to do the dishes every night, but it never happens. I'm also supposed to clean the toilets and vacuum once a week, but that never happens either so I can't really call him out on it. 

23. When I'm feeling down, Dave tries to talk it out with me, since he knows that makes me feel better. He's the only person I share every thought, moment, feeling, everything, without worrying about any judgments from him. He truly is my rock.

24. His eyes are my favorite thing about him. They are so soulful and sweet. You can truly see how great of a man he is by his eyes. 

25. He hates dancing, which is a bummer when I want to dance at weddings or other events. I'm hoping someday to either have a son to dance with me, or a daughter to force him to dance with her. 

26. He likes to hold my hand when we are driving. When we got his new truck, we spent a good five minutes trying to find a comfortable hand holding position for the both of us. You may gag if you need to, but I found it endearing. 

27. I love how he is with the cats. They cuddle him and he never gets used to how cute they look. They are almost four years old and he'll still say things like "babe! you have to come see this!" when it comes to Nibbler and Squish doing something. 

28. He has this nook in his arm/stomach area that I fit perfectly into. I love my nook and the way it smells. 

29. He isn't a fan of reading, but understands my love for it, which is why he never complains about the excess books I currently own, or when I bring home new ones. 

30. His hugs are the greatest hugs in the world. Everything melts away when I'm in his arms.

Happy 30th birthday, Dave! 

Every Little Thing is Gonna be Alright

Before I start this post, I'd like to throw in a warning that I'm still feeling a little woozy from going under yesterday (I'm writing this Tuesday afternoon). I wrote a few emails this morning and thought they were well written until I went back and reread them. So if that happens here, I get a pass. 

This picture has nothing to do with this  post...I just felt I needed something picture-wise

Monday wasn't as terrible as I expected it to be. It helped that I got so much love and support from everyone. The love stretched across oceans as far as South Africa and Jamaica. If there is one thing I could not say about yesterday it was that I was lonely. My phone went off nonstop and Dave showed me every message, text, email, Facebook post that came across before I went into the surgery. I truly found my strength yesterday from the love and encouragement from all of you. I will never be able to express how much it means to me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. 

A few things from Monday I want to point out but don't feel like putting in paragraph form:

- Monday I had my D&E, which isn't to be confused with a D&C like I have been. D&C's are for when you can't stop bleeding (sorry if that's TMI), D&E is called dilate and evacuate....that's pretty self explanatory.

-I was a little nervous heading in to the hospital but Paoli is such a great place, I had nothing to worry about. The entire staff was incredibly kind and supportive to me and even laughed at my terrible, nervous jokes.

-Speaking of staff, Mike the RN, I'm sorry. After they gave me the relaxer I wouldn't stop pointing out your height. And mental note: saying "it's okay you're the adorable kind of short" doesn't make anything better. So thank you Mike for being a good sport and staying kind the whole time, if I had been you I would have punched me in my boob when I went under. Which you may have done and I have no clue about.

-I followed Ashley's advice and told them how anxious I get about going under and they gave me a great relaxer which made everything better, except one thing. I got so relaxed I wouldn't shut up. My doctor told Dave I continued to talk even after going under. I have no idea what I said, but if what I do remember is any indication, Mike the RN got the brunt of it (I am so sorry!)

-It's probably best not to "argue" with the doctor when she tells you to eat simple that evening, like chicken noodle soup. Apparently I felt that tomato soup and grill cheese would be better and stated that enough times that my doctor tattled on me to Dave to ensure I would eat what she told me to and not what I damn well pleased. 

-I'm not sure how I feel about all this currently. I'm still so tired and out of it that I can't really place where my head is right now. I do know this: in the past week I have been shown so much love and support, it makes me want to cry happy tears. From my neighbor bringing me a hot meal the first night we found out about the miscarriage, to all the positive thoughts and well wishes, to my mom who has done more for me than this post could manage, to the edible bouquet MJ sent me, and the encouraging texts and emails Angie kept sending, and for everything else that could keep this run on sentence running, it has all been so meaningful to me. I can only hope to show you guys half the love you have all shown me. 

I know in time, everything will be alright.

I Will Never Be the Same

On May 31st, Dave and I found out we were expecting. On July 1st we learned that our baby, who should have been 8 weeks old, never grew past 6 weeks. 

When I discovered I was pregnant, I read up about miscarriages, what caused them, the probability of it happening, if there was anything I could do to avoid it. I'm not a pessimistic person, I just work better if I educate myself as much as I can on topics. Knowing that this was common, that there was nothing I could have done differently, hasn't made this any easier. 

Walking into the doctors office, Dave and I were so excited. I couldn't stop talking about how I hoped to hear the heartbeat and take a video of it to share with family. When we got into the room, the woman gave Dave a goody bag and told him to fill in the cards to get freebies and coupons. He couldn't have filled that paperwork out any faster. When the doctor came in, I made a few crass jokes about the probe and laid down. I couldn't see the screen but Dave was able to, and that was more important to me. He would take it all in so much better. I wanted him to be able to say he saw our baby first. 

The doctor kept clicking and moving the wand around, and I could hear pictures from the ultrasound being printed out from underneath the machine. She was chatting with us the whole time, then asked me the one question I was dreading. The one I knew would mean that this happened to us. "Are you sure of your dates? I'm not seeing an 8 week fetus". I knew my dates. I would bet everything I had on knowing my dates. She showed Dave everything she was looking at and finally found the baby and measured it. She told us she was only measuring at 6 weeks and was going to try and measure again and look for a heartbeat. She never found one. She began to clean up and said that it was most likely a miscarriage, but that she could be wrong. She left the room so I could get dressed and I looked at Dave and lost it. I prepared myself for the possibility of this happening but I couldn't believe it actually did. 

When it came time to leave the room, I tearfully told Dave I couldn't go out there. I knew there would be a room full of pregnant women staring at me, they would know, like I had a huge red "M" on my shirt. I can't tell you how I got out of the office building, I just went on autopilot.  

Two days later, I went in for the second ultrasound to confirm that it was a miscarriage. I had to drink a ton of water before the scan and on the ride up to the office, I spilled water all over my pants, and it looked like I had peed myself. It was a 45 minute ride to the office and I was hoping my pants would dry enough that it didn't look that way, but that didn't happen. When we stepped out of the car, I broke down again crying to Dave, "Isn't it bad enough that we are here for what we are here for? Do I really need to go in there looking like I pissed myself?" I spent the rest of the visit telling every nurse within earshot that I hadn't pissed my pants to the point that it became a joke to Dave and I. I guess it's a good thing I could laugh at myself then, but it was so embarrassing. 

I always assumed miscarriages would be quick. It would start and be done and over with in a few days. It's been five days since I learned that the baby stopped growing and nearly three weeks since it has, and yet it's still in me. I think right now that's the hardest part. Why is my body holding on to it so tightly? Why can't I just let go? 

I have the D&C scheduled for today (Monday), in fact I'm probably at the hospital as you read this. I'm not going to lie, I'm terrified. I hate surgeries and going under, but I don't think I'm really going to start healing and moving past this until I do. I wake up in the middle of the night and the first thing I think of is the baby that will never be, and then I'm awake for hours. 

Dave and I talked about whether or not this was something I wanted to share here. I knew I needed to, that it would be therapeutic to write this out and throw it out to the universe.  I fear I will never move past this. That I'll never be over it. I'm afraid I'll have trouble conceiving in the future. I fear that I'll always think about this baby and what he or she could have become. I'm afraid one day I'll forget him or her. I'm afraid of what is to come and saddened by what will never be. 


I have my moments where I am okay and then I'm not. Writing this out has helped a little. I know with time, I'll be fine. I know that I've dealt with difficult things in the past and I've been strong enough to work through them, and I know I'm strong enough to work through this. I  just need time to find that strength.  

Little Friday Link Up

Holy Schnikes! My first link up hosting gig ever! Link up your best post from the week, I would love to read it!

Ash (Follow Here!) // Ashley (Follow Here!) //  Nicole (Follow Here) // Style & Savings (Follow Here)

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Please link-up to whatever you like! 

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Happy Little Friday Everyone!

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Jamaica

If a blogger goes on vacation and doesn't devote at least one post to a bunch of pictures, did the vacation even happen? 

 

See the hummingbird?

  The resort we stayed at had football (soccer) teams for each "department". The game we got to watch was between the Butlers and the Barmen. The guys were super competitive and it made for a really great game. It was so much fun to be a part of the event. This was our third time visiting the resort (Sandal's Royal Caribbean) and the staff there aren't just "employees" to us, they are family. We even had my "brother" Ray who worked on the dive team fly up for my wedding. When we got to watch everyone play football, it was like hanging out at a big family reunion. 

 And of course, we can't have a vacation pictures post without at least one of Dave. In this picture, he's preparing for a dive he was about to go on. 

Hope you enjoyed the pictures!