14 in '14 July Update

I'm already starting to think of books I want to add to a '15 list, but I'm pretty sure I won't be patient enough to wait....

You guys know the gist of this by now, right? 

The Thinking Woman's Guide to Real Magic

Synopsis from Goodreads:

Nora Fischer’s dissertation is stalled and her boyfriend is about to marry another woman.  During a miserable weekend at a friend’s wedding, Nora wanders off and walks through a portal into a different world where she’s transformed from a drab grad student into a stunning beauty.  Before long, she has a set of glamorous new friends and her romance with gorgeous, masterful Raclin is heating up. It’s almost too good to be true.

Then the elegant veneer shatters. Nora’s new fantasy world turns darker, a fairy tale gone incredibly wrong. Making it here will take skills Nora never learned in graduate school. Her only real ally—and a reluctant one at that—is the magician Aruendiel, a grim, reclusive figure with a biting tongue and a shrouded past. And it will take her becoming Aruendiel’s student—and learning magic herself—to survive. When a passage home finally opens, Nora must weigh her "real life" against the dangerous power of love and magic.

This book has me so conflicted. It was way to long topping out at over 530 pages. I normally don't care about the length of a book but the middle 300 pages of this one really wasn't necessary. But here's where it gets kind of weird. While I was reading the book, all I could think about was how it was too long and didn't need to be that way, BUT every time I put the book down all I wanted to do was pick it back up and read it. When I finished the book, I was so happy to be done with it, even though it was left open for the sequel (this is the first book in a planned trilogy), I was happy thinking that I wasn't going to read the second book and just be done with the series. Then, I started to miss the book. I missed reading it, getting caught up in this magical world, and I wanted so bad to be a part of all of it again. And now I've decided I'll read the second one when it comes out. 

The one thing that really annoyed me about Nora was the fact that she was this well educated, independent, intelligent woman who was just. So. Damn. Stupid. My parents used to make fun of me for being so smart I was "stupid", I had no common sense. Nora is me but worse, and it really irked me that Barker wrote this character who was supposed to be a "thinking woman" and she ended up being a dunce. It really made me want to smack her upside the head and go "really!?!". 

I don't think I would recommend this book to everyone. If you were someone who enjoyed magic and fiction (think Harry Potter but more adult), I would say go for it. Otherwise, no.

Here is the list so far:

1. Where'd you go Bernadette?
2. Sacre Bleu
3. Is Everyone Hanging out Without Me?
4. The Thinking Woman's Guide to Real Magic
5. The Partly Cloudy Patriot
6. Assassination Vacation
7. The Alchemyst
8. The Graveyard Book
9. The Maze Runner
10. The Husband's Secret
11. Beauty Queens
12. The Dust of 100 Dogs
13. The Girl who Circumnavigated Fairyland in a Ship of her own Making
14. The Labyrinth of Dreaming Books

I would love to hear about what you read this month!

I'm on Goodreads, if you'd like to add me.

Survival Kit

Man Crates recently emailed me and suggested I write a post about the five essential items I would include in my own personal survival kit. Essential items like matches and emergency blankets be damned (imagine they are already included in said emergency situation)! Man Crates wants to know what I can't live without. Without further ado:

Dave

Did you really think I'd have a survival kit list and not include my husband? The whole marriage aspect aside, if I'm anywhere where I need "saved" I'm going to want him there. He's a literal handy man. Need a hut built? Dave's your guy. Need a fire built? Dave! I wouldn't last two days somewhere without help from Dave and his skills. 

Face Wash/Beauty Products

There is something terrible that happens if I don't wash my face twice a day. My face explodes with blemishes and it's gross. As for the the rest? A little moisturizer so my face doesn't feel tight after washing it and mascara wouldn't hurt to have so I could try to feel "normal" in a tough situation.

Pandora

I can't do much of anything without music accompanying it. If I'm going to gather twigs to start a fire, or grab logs to build a shelter, I am going to be much more productive if I've got some good music going. 

Nibs/Squish

Again, do you really think I'd create a must have list and not have my kitties on here? Who else would I lounge around and read with when all the day's work is done?

Books/Full e-reader

I'd rather have a big pile of books than an e-reader; however, I don't think I'd travel with a whole lot so a full e-reader would be the next best thing. Either way, I can't go anywhere without some good stories to keep me occupied. 

What would be in your must have survival kit?

So here's the deal: Man Crates didn't compensate me in anyway for this post. So while it looks sponsored, it is not. They suggested this post and I thought it was a neat idea. Speaking of neat ideas, I really truly do think that Man Crates is a really creative website, offers up some unique gifts, and completely worth checking out.

Ulta Haul

About three times a year Ulta mails out a 20% off coupon that you can use on pretty much everything, including most prestige brands. About three times a year I drop a good bit of money at Ulta only to get the coupon in the mail the next day, which happened to me last week. Luckily, I got the coupon the same day I went on my little spree and the store graciously refunded me some money when I came back with the coupon. 

Anyway, what's important here is that I came back with some amazing beauty items that I am over the moon about, and surprisingly enough I even bought something from Bare Minerals, even though most of the time we have a hate/hate relationship. I grabbed a few of my regulars, which you can see in the picture above, but also snatched up a few new goodies that I wanted to share with you today!

Bare Minerals Eye Shadow Quad in Happy Place

The first thing I did was ask the girl at Ulta (who graciously spent at least an hour with me trying on makeup) was to give me a look that I could wear everyday that would make my eyes pop. Man, did she deliver, and I can finally say there is something of Bare Minerals that I like! 

The Happy Place quad is a set of beautiful colors and I think the coppery pink color (upper right hand side in pic) is what really seals the deal in making the blues in my eyes come out. The color lasts all day (I do use a primer or cream shadow base) and the color payoff is great. The first day I wore this quad to work, I got so many compliments on it, which sealed the deal in it becoming my newest favorite item!

Tarte Amazonian Clay Blush in Tipsy

My first experience with Tarte's amazing blush was in a sampler pack. The color provided was Thankful which was a gorgeous golden apricot pink color. The problem is that Thankful is not part of their regular blush line, so I asked the Ulta girl (sorry I have no idea what to call her) for the next best shade for my fair skin. She grabbed Tipsy which was a coral pink color. The color seemed a bit much for me at first but when I put it on, it looked really great. I do have to be careful though, since it's such a strong blush and color, I have to make sure I apply it lightly or blend it well, otherwise it's a bit clownish looking.

IT Cosmetics No Tug Waterproof Gel Eyeliner

Okay, so Ulta's gel eyeliner still is and always will be my favorite gel eyeliner. But they were out of stock of my color and IT Cosmetics had one with a built in sharpener (the only downfall to Ulta's eyeliner is that it doesn't have that). I figured I would try it out since I love gel eyeliner in the pencil form, and I really like this product. It goes on with great color and is smooth like buttah. My only problem is that it's tough to get off at the end of the day and flakes when I try to remove it. To be clear, it only flakes when I try to take it off, not during the day, but holy cow is it a pain in the butt to get off. 

Lacome Gloss in Love in Lily en Lame

I wanted to try and find a lip color and told the girl to just give me a bunch that she thought would look good on me. I tried this one on first and we both agreed that I didn't need to even try the other ones. It's a little sticky, which I expect in a gloss, but not unbearably so. I like that even though it is a gloss, the color is still bold enough to stand out on it's own, don't let the "gloss" aspect fool you. The color lasts about 2 hours for me, which I think its pretty good for a lip gloss. I would say that I'm stuck on this color but not on this specific product, if I find a dupe in a cheaper brand, I would go for that instead. 

I took a picture of me using all the products purchased, sorry for the iPhone quality picture....haven't figured out selfies on my new camera yet!

Did you get your 20% off coupon? What did you get with it?

End of the Week Roundup

This week has been a great week! It's definitely been one of those weeks where I can hear myself saying over and over in my mind "life is good". 

1. The week began with lunch with my girls, Sheena and Lola. I'm lucky to have friends like these two. 

2. When I heard about the share a coke promo, I thought it was silly when I'd see people hunting through bins and coolers trying to find their name. Then I went down for lunch to the cafeteria at my work (which I haven't really been going to lately) and there it was--my name on a coke bottle--right front and center. Its like it was put there specifically for me, so I had to get it of course and flaunt it off. 

3. Thursday night Dave and I had a date night and went to this amazing place called Wyebrook Farms. I have a post planned to go a bit more in depth on the restaurant, but I will say it was such a great time. 

4. I'm currently obsessed with listening to this song over and over again. It reminds me of Dave. Yes I'm sorry, I'm one of those girls who's like "oh this song is totally about me" and yes I'm aware that there are probably at least a million other girls claiming the same thing. 

5. Nibbler and Squish normally fall asleep cuddling up to Dave. Whoever gets there first gets to cuddle him, but Sunday night they decided to call and truce and both cuddle their papa, and it was so darn cute. 

Why I Could Never Cut it as a Fashion Blogger

There is so much involved to a fashion post, and it's not something you think about until you actually attempt it. 

"I need to do my hair and makeup on a Sunday!?!"

"The backyard probably isn't the best spot to take these pictures, where is the nearest location that would enable me to take 'WOW' pictures?"

"I have the camera, which is great, but no photographer, unless I dress Dave up, or teach him to take pictures the exact way I envision them."

"Do you think Dave will go for being dressed up? No, no, I would definitely get side eyed for even asking"

"Still, would the dress fit him? That way I could take great pictures....then photoshop his hairy legs out and impose my face on him....no, no, he would definitely side eye me for even thinking this..."

"How do fashion bloggers do this every day? I mean I don't even put this much makeup on or put this effort into my hair for regular work days. And how the heck do they always have good locations AND photographers?"

"Aw crap, I ran into a spiderweb trying to find my perfect location. Aaaaand now I'm going to have to worry about some massive spider running around this pretty dress. I bet you fashion bloggers don't run into spiderwebs." 

Said look is spiderweb regret

Luckily for me, one thing I didn't have to worry about was the dress itself. eShakti graciously sent me this dress to try out for a review, and I love it. My favorite thing about the dress is that it was made for my height. I always wondered that when I went to a store, how someone my height (5'3") could share a dress with someone much taller and get the same results. 

The answer? You don't. 

This is why eShakti is great, because you can have the dress customized to your specific measurements. Unfortunately, I didn't go the full customization route and I wish I had because while the dress fit really well in most places, it was a bit tight in the chest area. Even though I didn't do the whole custom shebang, the site still asked me my height and made sure the dress was cut to that specification. 

My second favorite thing about this dress? Pockets!!!! I love a dress with pockets. From what I can tell most, if not all, the dresses on eShakti have pockets. And what's even better is that if you hate pockets on your dress, you can have the dress customized without them!

I really could go on and on about how much I like this dress, but I won't. I will say one last thing, this dress also came with a piece of fabric sewn into the shoulders so I could clasp it around my bra. I truly wish all of my shirts/dresses had this option because it makes for wearing the dress so much better. No bra straps to worry about? Yes, please!

I would highly recommend checking out eShakti, especially if you have trouble finding clothes that fit you perfectly. You can also check them out on Facebook, Twitter, and Pinterest to get ideas for the best outfit for you! 

I received an eShakti dress as a form of compensation for my honest review. 

Blogmopolitan Quiz

I saw this pop up the first time Two Thirds Hazel posted one of these quizzes and wanted to join in but for some odd reason was to chicken to. No excuses this time! If you want to join in on the fun, grab the quiz here. 

End of the Week Roundup

It's been almost a month since I did an "End of the Week Roundup Post". That's crazy...I didn't think it was that long! I'm sure you all missed a weekly picture of Nibs and Squish sooooo much.

1. Last Friday (as you may have surmised from that day's post), it was Dave's birthday. I invited his parents up for a small dinner and they brought up our nephews. Since they live about two and a half hours away from us we don't get to see them very often. It was so much fun hanging out with them, and I got a few good pictures of them with my camera.

2. Since it was Dave's big 3-0, we had to continue the party into Sunday, when my mom had a picnic for him. It was so nice being surrounded by family and just laughing the whole day. 

3. With everything that's been going on, dealing with my emotions has been tough. There's definitely been some ups and some downs. Someone said to me "without rain there would be no rainbows", and it has really stuck with me. Even when it hurts, it feels good to know that I can feel and that by being able to feel I am working through all this. I feel a bigger post about that rumbling around in my brain, but either way, I can finally say with certainty that I am doing okay. 

4. I caught Dave and Squish sleeping like this Sunday morning. They literally were holding hands/paws while they slept. You know you want to say it....awwwwwwwwww

5. When Nibbler knows he isn't supposed to be somewhere, he doesn't own up to it. He just plays stupid like "I wasn't supposed to do that?!? Well I'll be!". Hence the look on his face when I caught him chilling on my coffee table. 

How was your week? 

Beauty Repurchases

I have a short attention span when it comes to beauty products. Most of the time I don't even finish a product before I buy something new. Which would explain why I have so many tubes of mascara and eyeliner pencils. Anyway, every once in a while I find a product that I completely use up and buy again. The following items are things that I've repurchased multiple times and normally use on a daily basis. Most of these products I've already mentioned on previous beauty favorites posts, but they are absolutely worth mentioning again. Without further adieu:

Loreal Color Riche Lip Balm in Heavenly Berry

I love, love, love this lip balm. It gives me the perfect amount of subtle color to give me a MLBB (my lips but better) look. My first tube melted at my graduation because I couldn't be without it.

Tarte BB 12 Hour Primer

Before I tried this primer, I was not the least bit interested in BB cream (or any other in the alphabet for that matter). I need a bit more coverage for my face because I normally have breakouts on my chin and my cheeks are a little redder than the rest of my fact. This stuff was completely different. It provides great coverage (not full coverage, but it's a good start), SPF protection, and is a  decent primer to the foundation I normally use (which is listed below). 

Loreal Magic Lumi Highlighter

I love this highlighter. The application makes it easy to use and apply to my face, and it provides such a great highlight. When I take the time to contour my face, this is my go to highlighter, it makes such a difference! 

Ulta Gel Eyeliner Pencil

When I first heard gel eyeliner, I wanted to run for the hills. But I had a freebie to use under the old Ulta rewards and I figured since it was free, it wouldn't hurt to try it out. I'm so glad I did, it ended up being my new favorite go to eyeliner. It glides on smoothly, just like gel eyeliner, but since it's in the form of a pencil, I find the application so much easier. The staying power is great too!

Clinique Lash Doubling Mascara

The best compliment I ever got for my eyelashes was when I was wearing this mascara. A girl walked up to me and asked me if I was wearing false lashes because they looked so long and full. I love this mascara, it doesn't clump and really defines my lashes. Plus it still leaves my lashes looking soft and natural. One of my biggest pet peeves about some other brand name popular mascaras is how obvious it is that you are wearing mascara because they are clumpy, thick, and make your lashes look like you have tar on them. This mascara gives you the definition you need, while still looking natural. 

 Aveda Petal Essence in Plum Touch

The first time my sister in law gave me this blush to wear, I thought she was nuts. The deep pink on the left hand side seemed way to dark for my fair skin, but when I tried it on it was perfect for me. I love Aveda's products so much. I used to wear their foundation all the time, but I went through it too quickly to be able to purchase it consistently. This blush is still my favorite go to blush, regardless of where I am going because it is so flattering. 

Tarte Amazonian Clay Full Coverage Airbrush Foundation

For years I swore there was no "right" product for me when it came to foundation. I hated liquid foundations, but powder foundations didn't provide the full coverage I needed. Aveda's inner light mineral foundation was great but I went through a container a month, which was getting to be a bit too pricey for me. Enter in this foundation. For about $10 more than the Aveda foundation, this stuff will last me at least 6 months AND gives me the coverage I need. I absolutely love this foundation.

What are some of your makeup repurchases?

Thirty

Today is Dave's big 3-0. In lieu of a Friday Five post (which it has been a few weeks! yikes!), I thought I would pay homage to Dave in a Friday Thirty Post. There isn't a set rule for this list, some of it is just random tidbits about Dave, other things are things I love about him.  

1. Dave is the most supportive, kind, caring husband a girl could ever dream up. When I couldn't eat Monday due to the surgery, Dave chose not to eat or drink either, just so I didn't have to watch him eat or drink. I had to get a nurse to practically force feed him in pre-op just so I knew he would have something in him. 

2. He is ridiculously smart. Dave is the kind of smart that can look at something that is broken and fix it, even if he's never seen it before.  I wish I had that kind of skill.

3. He's a terrible movie lover. As long as it's not a romantic comedy or chick flick, it's a great movie to Dave. Yes, even those knock off movies that mash up stereotypes from one genre of film into one movie. It's bad. 

4. There is something about Dave that kids love. They immediately hone in on him and just watch him. It's really cute, until little girls end up hating me for "taking their man". 

5. He lets me put my really cold hands underneath his shirt onto his warm belly. He hates it and still lets me do it. That's love, people.

6. In the winter, I hate getting into a cold bed. Dave makes it a point to lie on my side of the bed to warm it up for me. It helps that he loves getting into a cold bed. 

7. He's really good about throwing a meal together with spices that he's never used before without a recipe. It makes me jealous.

8. He's obsessed with our cars and making sure they are always clean. Before Dave I never cleaned my car, now once a month our cars have to be cleaned. He even made it a point to detail his truck for my graduation so people could see us drive around in a clean truck. I'm pretty sure the only person who noticed or cared was Dave himself. 

9.  We liked to waste our time on sites like Buzzfeed laughing at the lists so hard we start crying. I'm pretty sure it started out with him just putting up with me saying oh look at these adorable cats, but it's evolved into "our thing". 

10. Whenever we get into an argument, all he has to do is kiss my hand to reduce me to a fit of giggles. He knows this and uses it often. 

11. I hate peanut butter and he loves it. He once told me that it makes him sad that I don't like it because he wanted to share his Reese's with me. 

12. He always gives me a piece of bacon off whatever he is eating when we go out.

13. I don't know any other man alive that would be willing to share their bacon and peanut butter cups with someone else. It makes me wonder how I got so lucky? 

14. He loves having his head massaged. I can get him snoring in about a minute flat when I start massaging his head. I think it's one of the cutest things about him.

15. He has no problem jumping behind the sewing machine to help me when I'm struggling with quilts. 

16. Dave is so supportive, he should be a bra. Too much? I signed up for school within two months of dating Dave and there were many nights where homework was teamwork and pep talks were needed to get me to stay in school. 

17. He taught me that it's okay to say you're sorry when you should be and to swallow your pride. Before Dave, I never wanted to apologize and I just wanted to stay angry at the person I was fighting with. He was the first one to show me that being the first to say you're wrong doesn't make you a weak person.

18. He has shown me what a great marriage can be. It's hard work sometimes, but it never feels like it. 

19. If we are walking, I always have to walk on the "inside" just in case a crazy driver is around. It used to annoy me, it made me feel like a child, now I love how it's another way for him to show me how much he cares.

20. I knew I found a great man when we first started dating because he would wake up an hour earlier than he needed to to help me straighten the back of my hair when it was too short for me to do it on my own. This was within a month or two of us dating. 

21. I love it when he changes the words to a song, most of the time. There are times when I have to impose a "don't eff it up" moratorium on a song. 

Dave is trying to be like R. Kelly in this picture from my sister's wedding. The look on my dad's face is pretty self explanatory.

22. He's supposed to do the dishes every night, but it never happens. I'm also supposed to clean the toilets and vacuum once a week, but that never happens either so I can't really call him out on it. 

23. When I'm feeling down, Dave tries to talk it out with me, since he knows that makes me feel better. He's the only person I share every thought, moment, feeling, everything, without worrying about any judgments from him. He truly is my rock.

24. His eyes are my favorite thing about him. They are so soulful and sweet. You can truly see how great of a man he is by his eyes. 

25. He hates dancing, which is a bummer when I want to dance at weddings or other events. I'm hoping someday to either have a son to dance with me, or a daughter to force him to dance with her. 

26. He likes to hold my hand when we are driving. When we got his new truck, we spent a good five minutes trying to find a comfortable hand holding position for the both of us. You may gag if you need to, but I found it endearing. 

27. I love how he is with the cats. They cuddle him and he never gets used to how cute they look. They are almost four years old and he'll still say things like "babe! you have to come see this!" when it comes to Nibbler and Squish doing something. 

28. He has this nook in his arm/stomach area that I fit perfectly into. I love my nook and the way it smells. 

29. He isn't a fan of reading, but understands my love for it, which is why he never complains about the excess books I currently own, or when I bring home new ones. 

30. His hugs are the greatest hugs in the world. Everything melts away when I'm in his arms.

Happy 30th birthday, Dave! 

Every Little Thing is Gonna be Alright

Before I start this post, I'd like to throw in a warning that I'm still feeling a little woozy from going under yesterday (I'm writing this Tuesday afternoon). I wrote a few emails this morning and thought they were well written until I went back and reread them. So if that happens here, I get a pass. 

This picture has nothing to do with this  post...I just felt I needed something picture-wise

Monday wasn't as terrible as I expected it to be. It helped that I got so much love and support from everyone. The love stretched across oceans as far as South Africa and Jamaica. If there is one thing I could not say about yesterday it was that I was lonely. My phone went off nonstop and Dave showed me every message, text, email, Facebook post that came across before I went into the surgery. I truly found my strength yesterday from the love and encouragement from all of you. I will never be able to express how much it means to me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. 

A few things from Monday I want to point out but don't feel like putting in paragraph form:

- Monday I had my D&E, which isn't to be confused with a D&C like I have been. D&C's are for when you can't stop bleeding (sorry if that's TMI), D&E is called dilate and evacuate....that's pretty self explanatory.

-I was a little nervous heading in to the hospital but Paoli is such a great place, I had nothing to worry about. The entire staff was incredibly kind and supportive to me and even laughed at my terrible, nervous jokes.

-Speaking of staff, Mike the RN, I'm sorry. After they gave me the relaxer I wouldn't stop pointing out your height. And mental note: saying "it's okay you're the adorable kind of short" doesn't make anything better. So thank you Mike for being a good sport and staying kind the whole time, if I had been you I would have punched me in my boob when I went under. Which you may have done and I have no clue about.

-I followed Ashley's advice and told them how anxious I get about going under and they gave me a great relaxer which made everything better, except one thing. I got so relaxed I wouldn't shut up. My doctor told Dave I continued to talk even after going under. I have no idea what I said, but if what I do remember is any indication, Mike the RN got the brunt of it (I am so sorry!)

-It's probably best not to "argue" with the doctor when she tells you to eat simple that evening, like chicken noodle soup. Apparently I felt that tomato soup and grill cheese would be better and stated that enough times that my doctor tattled on me to Dave to ensure I would eat what she told me to and not what I damn well pleased. 

-I'm not sure how I feel about all this currently. I'm still so tired and out of it that I can't really place where my head is right now. I do know this: in the past week I have been shown so much love and support, it makes me want to cry happy tears. From my neighbor bringing me a hot meal the first night we found out about the miscarriage, to all the positive thoughts and well wishes, to my mom who has done more for me than this post could manage, to the edible bouquet MJ sent me, and the encouraging texts and emails Angie kept sending, and for everything else that could keep this run on sentence running, it has all been so meaningful to me. I can only hope to show you guys half the love you have all shown me. 

I know in time, everything will be alright.

I Will Never Be the Same

On May 31st, Dave and I found out we were expecting. On July 1st we learned that our baby, who should have been 8 weeks old, never grew past 6 weeks. 

When I discovered I was pregnant, I read up about miscarriages, what caused them, the probability of it happening, if there was anything I could do to avoid it. I'm not a pessimistic person, I just work better if I educate myself as much as I can on topics. Knowing that this was common, that there was nothing I could have done differently, hasn't made this any easier. 

Walking into the doctors office, Dave and I were so excited. I couldn't stop talking about how I hoped to hear the heartbeat and take a video of it to share with family. When we got into the room, the woman gave Dave a goody bag and told him to fill in the cards to get freebies and coupons. He couldn't have filled that paperwork out any faster. When the doctor came in, I made a few crass jokes about the probe and laid down. I couldn't see the screen but Dave was able to, and that was more important to me. He would take it all in so much better. I wanted him to be able to say he saw our baby first. 

The doctor kept clicking and moving the wand around, and I could hear pictures from the ultrasound being printed out from underneath the machine. She was chatting with us the whole time, then asked me the one question I was dreading. The one I knew would mean that this happened to us. "Are you sure of your dates? I'm not seeing an 8 week fetus". I knew my dates. I would bet everything I had on knowing my dates. She showed Dave everything she was looking at and finally found the baby and measured it. She told us she was only measuring at 6 weeks and was going to try and measure again and look for a heartbeat. She never found one. She began to clean up and said that it was most likely a miscarriage, but that she could be wrong. She left the room so I could get dressed and I looked at Dave and lost it. I prepared myself for the possibility of this happening but I couldn't believe it actually did. 

When it came time to leave the room, I tearfully told Dave I couldn't go out there. I knew there would be a room full of pregnant women staring at me, they would know, like I had a huge red "M" on my shirt. I can't tell you how I got out of the office building, I just went on autopilot.  

Two days later, I went in for the second ultrasound to confirm that it was a miscarriage. I had to drink a ton of water before the scan and on the ride up to the office, I spilled water all over my pants, and it looked like I had peed myself. It was a 45 minute ride to the office and I was hoping my pants would dry enough that it didn't look that way, but that didn't happen. When we stepped out of the car, I broke down again crying to Dave, "Isn't it bad enough that we are here for what we are here for? Do I really need to go in there looking like I pissed myself?" I spent the rest of the visit telling every nurse within earshot that I hadn't pissed my pants to the point that it became a joke to Dave and I. I guess it's a good thing I could laugh at myself then, but it was so embarrassing. 

I always assumed miscarriages would be quick. It would start and be done and over with in a few days. It's been five days since I learned that the baby stopped growing and nearly three weeks since it has, and yet it's still in me. I think right now that's the hardest part. Why is my body holding on to it so tightly? Why can't I just let go? 

I have the D&C scheduled for today (Monday), in fact I'm probably at the hospital as you read this. I'm not going to lie, I'm terrified. I hate surgeries and going under, but I don't think I'm really going to start healing and moving past this until I do. I wake up in the middle of the night and the first thing I think of is the baby that will never be, and then I'm awake for hours. 

Dave and I talked about whether or not this was something I wanted to share here. I knew I needed to, that it would be therapeutic to write this out and throw it out to the universe.  I fear I will never move past this. That I'll never be over it. I'm afraid I'll have trouble conceiving in the future. I fear that I'll always think about this baby and what he or she could have become. I'm afraid one day I'll forget him or her. I'm afraid of what is to come and saddened by what will never be. 


I have my moments where I am okay and then I'm not. Writing this out has helped a little. I know with time, I'll be fine. I know that I've dealt with difficult things in the past and I've been strong enough to work through them, and I know I'm strong enough to work through this. I  just need time to find that strength.  

Little Friday Link Up

Holy Schnikes! My first link up hosting gig ever! Link up your best post from the week, I would love to read it!

Ash (Follow Here!) // Ashley (Follow Here!) //  Nicole (Follow Here) // Style & Savings (Follow Here)

Rules are there are no rules! 

Please link-up to whatever you like! 

All that we ask is, if you wish, please follow us via the links above and that you link back to this blog - so that other's can join in and mingle! 

Happy Little Friday Everyone!

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Jamaica

If a blogger goes on vacation and doesn't devote at least one post to a bunch of pictures, did the vacation even happen? 

 

See the hummingbird?

  The resort we stayed at had football (soccer) teams for each "department". The game we got to watch was between the Butlers and the Barmen. The guys were super competitive and it made for a really great game. It was so much fun to be a part of the event. This was our third time visiting the resort (Sandal's Royal Caribbean) and the staff there aren't just "employees" to us, they are family. We even had my "brother" Ray who worked on the dive team fly up for my wedding. When we got to watch everyone play football, it was like hanging out at a big family reunion. 

 And of course, we can't have a vacation pictures post without at least one of Dave. In this picture, he's preparing for a dive he was about to go on. 

Hope you enjoyed the pictures!