I took a picture yesterday of two of my friends. The way they just settled into each other, immediately positioning themselves in flattering poses in a manner of a millisecond caught my attention.
I was envious of them.
It takes me at least a minute to get into a pose where I hope it turns out half decent. Is my head cocked enough? Do I have my jaw stuck out enough so I'm not giving myself a double chin? Are my arms and legs at an angle that provides a more slimmer appearance? And how the hell are these women standing cross legged without shaking so much they look fuzzy in the picture? Lets not even get started on the ones who do it on their tippy toes.
We all have those times in our life (or at least I hope it's not just me!) where we just feel....junk about ourselves. My hair is laying too flat, my curls won't hold shape, why can't I have waves like that girl? Old pictures I thought were cute suddenly aren't today.... the list just goes on and on. I've been feeling that way the past day or so.
I hate those moments. I try to think about the days when I'm feeling great about myself, try to conjure up the happiness I felt. On those days I'll even stop and say to myself "capture this moment, remember how it feels for when the bad days settle in". It rarely works.
When I hit that wall there is nothing I can do but stare at it and feel miserable and I tell myself "you're just gonna have to ride this out". It sucks and it's no fun but what other choice is there but to keep going? Maybe avoid mirrors for the day, avoid social media for the inevitable comparison I'm going to put myself through, and just keep going.
It's something I learned when dealing with my depression and anxiety 10 years ago (the tools of which I'm so glad remember because lordy I have been using them during all this pandemic craziness), is that sometimes I just have to let it go. If I can't avoid a trigger then I silently affirm to myself that this isn't permanent, just get through this and tomorrow is a new day.
Just like every day can't be a good day, the bad days won't stay around forever either.
Over three years...that's how long since I posted something on this blog. Honestly, I just figured that post would be the last. A nice little end cap on the part of my life I chronicled on this blog. Starting with me figuring out who I am (still working on that), to my miscarriages and trouble conceiving, to me becoming a mommy to a little girl. All wrapped up in a neat little bow.
But sometimes I get that niggling voice in my head. The one that wants to post something, even though I know the chances of anyone reading it are slim. So I come back here and read posts to try to quiet the voice. I cringe at the "promotional ones", the ones that I posted to build up blog traffic and reminisce over the personal ones, the ones that I should have written more often.
Like the one about my grandmother, or the one where I talked about my 2nd miscarriage and wondering what it would be like to have a daughter (now I'm the lucky mama of two strong, smart, brave little girls). I've realized this blog is a nice little time capsule of 3-ish years and someday maybe my girls will want to come here and read about me.
So, when the moment strikes, I'll write and if somebody reads it, drop a line, say hello...and if no one else does, there's always me.
