I Ain't Got No Alibi.....

I took a picture yesterday of two of my friends. The way they just settled into each other, immediately positioning themselves in flattering poses in a manner of a millisecond caught my attention. 
I was envious of them. 
It takes me at least a minute to get into a pose where I hope it turns out half decent. Is my head cocked enough? Do I have my jaw stuck out enough so I'm not giving myself a double chin? Are my arms and legs at an angle that provides a more slimmer appearance? And how the hell are these women standing cross legged without shaking so much they look fuzzy in the picture? Lets not even get started on the ones who do it on their tippy toes. 
We all have those times in our life (or at least I hope it's not just me!) where we just feel....junk about ourselves. My hair is laying too flat, my curls won't hold shape, why can't I have waves like that girl? Old pictures I thought were cute suddenly aren't today.... the list just goes on and on. I've been feeling that way the past day or so. 
I hate those moments. I try to think about the days when I'm feeling great about myself, try to conjure up the happiness I felt. On those days I'll even stop and say to myself "capture this moment, remember how it feels for when the bad days settle in". It rarely works.
When I hit that wall there is nothing I can do but stare at it and feel miserable and I tell myself "you're just gonna have to ride this out". It sucks and it's no fun but what other choice is there but to keep going? Maybe avoid mirrors for the day, avoid social media for the inevitable comparison I'm going to put myself through, and just keep going. 
It's something I learned when dealing with my depression and anxiety 10 years ago (the tools of which I'm so glad remember because lordy I have been using them during all this pandemic craziness), is that sometimes I just have to let it go. If I can't avoid a trigger then I silently affirm to myself that this isn't permanent, just get through this and tomorrow is a new day. 
Just like every day can't be a  good day, the bad days won't stay around forever either. 

Are You There Blog? It's Me, Nicole

Over three years...that's how long since I posted something on this blog. Honestly, I just figured that post would be the last. A nice little end cap on the part of my life I chronicled on this blog. Starting with me figuring out who I am (still working on that), to my miscarriages and trouble conceiving, to me becoming a mommy to a little girl. All wrapped up in a neat little bow. 
But sometimes I get that niggling voice in my head. The one that wants to post something, even though I know the chances of anyone reading it are slim. So I come back here and read posts to try to quiet the voice. I cringe at the "promotional ones", the ones that I posted to build up blog traffic and reminisce over the personal ones, the ones that I should have written more often. 
Like the one about my grandmother, or the one where I talked about my 2nd miscarriage and wondering what it would be like to have a daughter (now I'm the lucky mama of two strong, smart, brave little girls). I've realized this blog is a nice little time capsule of 3-ish years and someday maybe my girls will want to come here and read about me. 
So, when the moment strikes, I'll write and if somebody reads it, drop a line, say hello...and if no one else does, there's always me. 

Please Don't Let Me Forget This...

Of course she likes books, she's my kid...

Emily turned 8 months old yesterday...to say that time has flown by would be a serious understatement. 
It's all so bittersweet. Part of me is so excited to see her grow and learn new things (who knew watching someone discover "nose" would be so incredible?). But there is another part of me that feels like I can't keep up with it all. I'm so worried I'll miss something or forget something I love that she does. 
For example, when she was first born right before she'd poop (I know, I'm sorry, stick with me on this) her little forehead would wrinkle up, her eyes would go wide, and her little mouth would form an "O". It was the cutest thing in the world to me at the time. But then she stopped one day. I don't know when, I don't know the last date I saw her do it, all I know is that I miss seeing that face...and those little forehead wrinkles. 
There's so many things that were new that now Emily just"used to do" in a short 8 months, it's insane. 
One night about a week ago, she was really fussing in the middle of the night. We utilized the cry it out method earlier this month so for her to be consistently crying meant that she truly needed Dave and I. So I went into her room and changed her diaper, she was wide awake and I decided to hold her to help her fall back asleep. She fell asleep within a few minutes and I watched her sleep for a bit, thinking who knows when I'll be able to do that again. While she slept she smiled a little smile, much like the ones she used to do when she was a newborn. Then she giggled a soft little giggle. It was the purest, sweetest sound I've ever heard in my life. I put her down shortly after that, and went back to bed. 
As I began to fall asleep I said a silent little prayer: "Lord, please don't ever let me forget the sound of  that giggle and the look of that smile". I really hope I never do. 

Sometimes You Just Need a Reminder

Source

When I was younger (like early twenties, instead of early thirties--yipes!) I used to wear heels all day, every day. I swore they were comfortable (I was young, stupid, and didn't know any better), and I loved how my legs and ass looked in heels, especially with longer pants (still do!). 
But then one day I wore a pair of flats and at the end of the day my feet weren't aching and I realized maybe the pain wasn't worth the beauty? I dressed for myself and no one else, there wasn't/isn't anyone in my office I dress for so why would I make myself uncomfortable for the sake of a cute butt I couldn't personally see anyway. So I stopped wearing heels and starting wearing flats.
This means my closet is full of beautiful heels that never see the light of day anymore. It just isn't fair to them. So yesterday I decided to bring out a pair of heels to wear, yes they looked nice, yes my butt looked good, but you know what didn't look good? My mood at the end of the day. You see a typical "short" 8 hour day for me turned into a very long 13 hour day. In heels. Which I'm not used to wearing. 
As my aching feet settled into bed last night I thought to myself, this, my friend, is why you don't wear heels anymore. Which means my beautiful pumps won't see the light of day for a long time again. Currently, I'm okay with that, but ask me again in 6 months and I might have forgotten about this little episode. 
oh, and hi, I'm back. At least for this post. Because sometimes you can't shut the nagging voice in your head that says HEY PLEASE WRITE SOMETHING. 

Doh!

One of the few things that makes me cringe on a regular basis is seeing what I've posted over the years on Facebook. About 3 years ago, I made a concerted effort to watch what I post on any social media, because once it's out there, there's usually no turning back. I seemed to have forgotten that notion on Friday when a post that wasn't necessarily terrible, ended up being a bit embarrassing. 
I've lived in my house for nearly 7 years. About a year after Dave and I moved in, a couple moved in a few houses up the street from us. Their house number ends in 1, ours in 7. Shortly after they moved in we started to get packages from the popcorn factory delivered to our address but to a name we didn't recognize around every holiday (Easter, Christmas, Thanksgiving, 4th of July, etc). The very first package we received I took the time to hunt down the address for the name on the package and learned it was our neighbor up the street. I didn't think anything of it at the time and happily gave them their package. The next holiday, I did the same thing again. And again, and again for the next 6 years. If that isn't enough of a nuisance, when we do take the package to the neighbor, they always answer the door and seem perturbed and inconvenienced by us dropping off the package.
Over the years, we've learned it was the grandmother of one of them who keeps sending the packages, so the last few times that we dropped the package off, we asked them to let grandma know that she's sending it to the wrong address. Each time we've asked, they've just brushed us off, saying things like, oh she's old, she'll never remember, etc. 

Which leads us to Friday, Dave came home and found another package on the doorstep. Dave is very patient and it takes a lot to frustrate him but seeing the package on the doorstep just really bothered him so he tried to call the Popcorn Factory to try and explain that they're sending it to the wrong people and to either note the account or to notify the sender, something, anything! Popcorn Factory refused to talk to Dave since we was neither the intended recipient or the sender. So I decided to post to a Facebook group I recently joined that is full of women who post questions, encouraging stories, rants, whatever to get their opinion. 
The post itself wasn't mean, it explained the situation, including the off putting attitude of our neighbors, and questioned whether or not it was wrong of us to keep the package or throw it out. I know, it sounds terrible, but we were just so fed up! For the next two hours or so, I was getting all different types of feedback from the women in the group from yes you should keep it! to return to sender, or it's not that big of a deal suck it up and keep walking it up to them, when I got a message request from Facebook messenger. I accepted the request and then my heart dropped at the name I saw. It was my neighbor. I never even took a moment to think that she may very well be in the same women's advice group that I was in. Her message was polite, but it definitely showed a bit of hurt or embarrassment:

I felt like such an ass. Regardless of what had transpired, this was no way to address the issue. If someone had posted something on a group site of over 4,000 women complaining about me, I would be hurt and humiliated. Not only does it make any future interactions with the neighbors awkward but  it leaves a bad taste in all our mouths. I promptly deleted the post and replied to our neighbor that I appreciated her taking care of the situation and for understanding our frustration. I had already given the package to another neighbor to drop off prior to all this happening so I also let her know that she should be getting it from the other neighbor shortly. 
I thought that was the last of it until the husband knocked on my door Saturday morning looking for the package since my neighbor forgot to drop it off **face palm**. Well if it didn't look like I was trying to keep the damn package before, it definitely looked like it now! Needless to say, he got his Easter package from Grandma, with a side of humble pie for all of us. Maybe this whole embarrassing situation will be a lesson learned for them as well and I won't see anymore of these packages? 
Moral of the story? Watch what you post on any social media since you never know who it's going to affect. Oh, and find out how to return to sender via UPS and FedEx for future unwanted, wayward packages. 

Hello...It's Me

Well look who decided to return from nowhere...
Last I left this blog, I had four weeks left of student teaching. So much has happened since then, it might be good to just do a "hey this has been my life for the past five months" post. 
So...let's start with the really big news. If you don't follow me on Instagram you might not know that I am expecting a little girl in June. Yay!

On October 13th, during my 6th week of student teaching I found out. It was a Tuesday, and right before I was set to teach my 10th period class (the toughest group of the bunch!) I was overwhelmingly nauseous so I had to have my cooperating teacher take over. Honestly, I just assumed it was nerves because this group was so tough but I was also a few days late. Dave and I had decided to put trying on the back burner while I student taught and just figured we'd let whatever happened happened. I truly didn't think that anything would come of it, considering our struggles. On my way to work that night I decided to stop at Target to pick up a test, figuring it'd be another negative and money wasted. I waited until I got home and then took the test and BOOM there it was a big fat "pregnant". To say that I was shocked is an understatement. 
I spent the next two months just trying to focus on finishing up student teaching and getting acclimated back to work. I'm not going to lie, I would often quiet any excitement or hope that bubbled up during that time since the last two ended up in miscarriages. But then I hit twelve weeks and finished out my first trimester, and then I felt her move at fifteen weeks, then I found out she was a she a day before twenty weeks, and now she's kicking the crap out of me at twenty five weeks and I've never known a joy so great. 

The last month of student teaching was rough but also rewarding. There were some students who fought me tooth and nail the entire time who finally started warming up to me and there were others that I had a great repertoire with who shut down on me. That's teenagers for you....
There's a lot that happened that last month, and I think it deserves a more detailed post later, but I will share my favorite moment. My supervising teacher insisted on showing up during 10th period, no matter how hard my cooperating teacher and I tried to convince him otherwise. The day before he was set to arrive, my cooperating teacher had a scheduled day off so it was me and a substitute teacher, and I gave my 10th period class a heads up that he'd be there the next day. Now to give you an idea of my 10th period kids, there were 21 of them, all academic (lower level), who loved to talk, distract each other, and try to push the boundaries as far as they possibly could. 
The next day, they all filed in quietly and sat down ready to go, something I've NEVER seen them do. One girl, who I had the most discipline issues with, came up to me with panic in her eyes and begged me to move her to a corner of the class where my supervisor wasn't in her direct line of sight because she didn't think she could stay off her phone long enough (seriously, these kids are literally addicted to their phones, you try to find a middle ground with them). The fact that this girl, who HATED me from the start cared enough to think about where she was sitting, whether or not he could see her, and being concerned about it meant so much. Besides two students, the class was so well behaved and so good, it was nothing short of a miracle. It still makes me smile to think about how they came through for me. 
Part of the reason I disappeared here was because the end of student teaching was so exhausting between wrapping up those responsibilities, working my regular job (even if it was part time), and growing my little one. Seriously, this kid knocked me out consistently at 6:30 every night, so I decided to take a break from writing. Then once student teaching was over, I realized I didn't have a whole heck of a lot to write about (still don't) so I just didn't write. Now the little voice in my head that wants to write is starting to squeak again so I figured okay let's just write when it feels right and leave it at that. 
That's my past few months in a nutshell, how about you? 

Student Teaching - Week 8

I'm pretty sure all outfits this week were on repeat so no outfit of the week. Instead, here's what I'd rather being wearing all week:

What I Did:
This week was all about the testing. The kids had a map test Tuesday and a unit test Thursday. The unit test was all material that I taught the kids exclusively so it was interesting to see how the kids fared (pretty good!). Other days were spent reviewing and playing games to prep them for the tests. 
Things I Learned:
These kids thrive on getting a reaction out of teachers. The best way to deal with them is not to show emotion. I had to really yell at one class on Monday and instead of getting the intended reaction they thought it was funny. They even told my teacher that getting me to raise my voice was the highlight of their day. I'm going to say it, don't judge me....jerks. 
Things I Still Need to Learn:
Not showing emotion. I usually wear my heart on my sleeve. I need to learn I can't do that. 
Memorable Moment of the Week:
Two students who used to be favorites of mine began dating a little bit ago. They're still good kids but since they're in the same class, I spend more time trying to get them to pay attention so it's hard to love them as much as I used to. Anyway, this week my teacher caught them passing notes during a test. When she grabbed the note, she was in for quite a surprise when it said that one of them wanted to *ahem* orally please the other. Awkward.....
Honest Thoughts:
8 weeks down, 4 to go. I feel so close, yet so far. Not gonna lie, I'm back to wanting this to be over with and wanting to be done with it. 

Things I Really Miss Right Now

I don't have much of a life right now while I'm student teaching, if that wasn't already apparent by the lack of posts beyond the weekly recaps of teaching. I couldn't even do an "End of the Week Roundup" post if I wanted to since it would literally just recap what I'm already recapping. Anyway, there are a few things that I absolutely miss right now and makes student teaching stretch out a little longer than I'd like it to.

via

1. Having a life in general
So while I'm teaching, I'm still working a minimum of 10 hours a week at my regular job. While that may not sound like a lot, couple that with the fact that I never know quite when I'm leaving school each day and it makes for a really tough schedule. Most days I don't leave the school until around 5 and I still have to go home and prep for something with school, meaning I'm working well into the evening on school stuff. To make up for the time, I work every Saturday at my regular job 7-3 and then go into work for an hour two nights a week to make up the rest of the time. Sundays are spent doing school work too. That leaves no time for anything else. Literally.
2. My friends
Since I'm so busy/tired, it's impossible to make any time to hang out with friends let alone text them to see how they're doing/hold a normal adult conversation with them. I really miss all my friends, so much so I've been avoiding most social media since seeing them makes me feel "homesick" for them.
3. Sewing
I haven't stepped foot into my sewing room since the end of August and I really miss the hum of my sewing machine. The one plus side of teaching right now is that I have a creativity outlet so I'm not going insane needing to release my creative energies.
4. Spending money
That's right, I'll admit it. I like to spend money. Who doesn't? I'm not saying it's a great thing, I'm just saying that I like being able to buy a new shirt if I want to or some lipstick I want to try. But when you're living off your savings, spending money on anything that isn't a necessity is not an option. Sometimes I'll log on to my Amazon wish list and just look at all the pretty things I want to buy. 
5. Me time at lunch
Lunch time at my regular job was something I really relished. Whether it was going to Panera, sitting in my car reading, or going for a walk, I could do pretty much whatever I wanted on my lunch break. Now, lunch break consists of either completing school work with my cooperating teacher or helping students out who are oblivious to the idea that their teacher needs to eat too. 
Don't get me wrong, teaching is not all that bad. In fact, it's a good thing I can't spend money right now. It's a lesson in learning how to budget, which I've never properly learned. Plus, the connections I'm building with my students will stay with me forever, and will probably be much more satisfying than most of the "relationships" I have with people I work with. But in general, I miss  a lot of the cozier aspects of my life that I had pre-teaching. Just a few more weeks and I'll have it back and I'll probably be moaning about how much I miss teaching. 

Student Teaching - Week 7

What I Wore:

Student Teaching Week 7 

Loft blouse / Old navy sweater / Banana Republic ankle jeans / New York & Company boot cut pants / MIA black ballet shoes, $57

What I Did:
I went into this week in a mild panic. It was a notes heavy week and I had tried to come up with alternatives for the students instead of note taking but my energy, brain capacity, enthusiasm, and lesson planning skills were just not up to par so I knew going into the week that not only would the kids  have to take notes three out of the five days but also that I didn't have enough filler to take care of the downtime. Luckily for me, my cooperating teacher is awesome and within ten minutes of me walking into the building, she had suggestions in place and I was ready to go. 
Things I Learned:
With the exception of the electives, I teach the lower academic students. That isn't to say they aren't smart, history just may not be their forte. Anyway, this week I learned that those students love word puzzles. I gave them cryptograms, crosswords, word searches, and word scrambles and they really took to them.
Memorable Moment of the Week:
An exceptionally difficult student who refuses to do any work yelled out "I love word searches" and then poured over it, being the first one to complete it. It's the first time I've seen her show any kind of enthusiasm for anything and it was nice to find something that she really took to.
Looking Forward To:
This week in general. It's a fairly easy week for me, Friday is a half day so I won't teach them. Tuesday and Thursday are a map test and a unit test, respectively and the other two days will be review games. The week usually flies by for me anyway, but I'm assuming this week will really go quickly.
Honest Thoughts:
I'm definitely enjoying myself much more now but I still can't wait for this to end. It's still very exhausting and time consuming. Plus, no matter how many lessons I create or days I head into school prepared, it still causes anxiety. It'll be nice to be done and actually rest (and sew!) for once.
Seven weeks down, five to go! The countdown is really on!

Student Teaching - Week 6

What I Wore:

A few things are similar but not exact since most of the things I own are a few years old.

student teaching week 6 

Gap short sleeve top / Banana republic top / Long slip / Express green pants / LOFT summer pants / Bloch pink flat / Ollio ballerina flat / LOFT post earrings / Loop scarf

What I Did:

This week was a bit of a nice break for me. Not only did we have Monday off for Columbus Day (thank you Mr. Columbus for getting lost!) but Wednesday was PSAT testing so I got to spend the majority of the day supervising students watching movies. It was such a light week, but definitely a much needed reprieve. 

Things I Still Need to Learn:

Alternatives to note taking. I attempted to create two different types of lessons for the coming week, which is note heavy and both just ended up bombing in my face. It doesn't help that I'm new to this and, honestly, there is a ton of pressure to do well. Maybe down the road, in a classroom of my own, I'll find a way to teach without lecturing/notes, but for student teaching its not going to happen.

Looking Forward To:

Teaching a new class. So far I've been teaching all three core History classes, which means the same lesson three times a day. This week, I'll begin teaching an elective course my teacher has, Myths and Legends. Considering Greek mythology is one of my favorite things in the world, I have so much to share!

Honest Thoughts:

It's still very stressful, especially today (I'm writing this Sunday). I've spent the past four hours trying to find fun activities to go with all the notes I'm cramming down these kids' throats and I came up empty handed. It's so frustrating and the thought of heading there stresses me out but then when I actually do show up, most of my worries melt away and my days fly by. It's a catch-22.
6 weeks down, 6 to go -- I am officially halfway through this!

Student Teaching - Week Five

What I "Wore":

Most of what you see here I own, a few things like the boots and flats are similar but not exact since the ones I own are a few years old. 

Student Teaching Week 5

Old Navy petite dress / American Eagle Outfitters sexy top / Banana Republic pink sweater / Banana Republic black pants / Madden girl boots / Mossimo black flat / Kate spade jewelry / FOSSIL brown belt

What I Did:

This was my first week of teaching my own lesson plans in my core history class for the entire week. It was exhausting, during the day I'd either be prepping for the lesson, teaching, or modifying the lesson to better meet the needs of the student. Then, I'd go home and make sure my lesson plan was set to go for the next day/write lesson plans for another day.
Things I Learned:

End of the school day by no means end of the work day. Most days I'm staying two hours after school lets out to finish up grading or prepping. Then, when I do eventually get home, I'm still working on school stuff. 

Things I Still Need to Learn:

Still working on that classroom management! It's the bane of my existence.

Memorable Moment of the Week:

I'm currently teaching the students about the industrial revolution, and Thursday I had half the class pretend they were working in a factory. One of the roles was a 9 year old factory worker who cried a lot. I asked one student in one of the classes that I knew would really run with it to play the kid in the factory. He was so hilarious but also very helpful in making the environment uncomfortable so the kids could get an idea what it would be like to work in the factory with a child. I laughed so hard I almost peed my pants a few times.

Looking Forward To:

Right now, I'm looking forward to all this being over, its so tiring!

Honest Thoughts:

See above.

5 weeks down, 7 to go! Next week we will be halfway done....I'm so ready for normalcy again!

Student Teaching - Week Four

What I Wore:

Just a few key outfits....

Teaching Week 4 

The Limited mini top / LOFT scoop neck tank top / Merona purple cardigan / Express / Banana Republic pants / ZiGiny pointy toe flat shoes

What I Did:

Things week was a bit broken up, since sadly Dave's grandfather passed away and the funeral was Thursday.

The school I am at expects their students to write a five paragraph essay at the end of each unit. I think this is a great idea since it gets the students used to writing but it's also like pulling teeth with them. The first three days of my core classes we spent prepping the kids for the essay and then getting them written. Friday I taught my own lesson again with the core classes, although it was just notes.

Things I Learned:

"I don't know" doesn't necessarily mean "I don't know". Sometimes it means "I don't want to do this".

Kids who pay no attention to you whatsoever will suddenly be very concerned in your absence.

Things I Still Need to Learn:

Classroom management is still a tough one for me to conquer. This week it was learning how to gradually increase my threats to get them to be quiet instead of heading straight to the worst consequence.

Memorable Moment of the Week:

I got a chance to connect with some teachers over my Chicken and Rice Bake recipe when I brought some for lunch this week. They tried it and loved it so much, I ended up printing the recipe and sharing it with them!

Looking Forward To:

Having a day off next Monday. Seriously, I need a day of binge watching Netflix by myself.

Honest Thoughts:

I'm really starting to get into the nitty gritty of all this and it's tough for me. This past week I literally went to school, then went to my regular job for a bit and then came straight home to work on even more school work until I went to bed. They were long days and I'm definitely on autopilot right now to get myself through all this. I'm hoping that this week was rougher because not only did I have to come up with the lesson plans for the core class for the month but then I had to write some. Now hopefully for the next month all I'll need to do is write up the lessons and prep for them. We'll see!

4 weeks down, 8 to go!

Student Teaching- Week Three

I was so sick this week, but I hustled through. What I didn't do was take a picture of any of my outfits, so no outfit of the week picture. 
Memes I Love In Lieu of an Outfit for the Week:

What I Did:
This week I taught two of my own lessons, both turned out very well. The first one was an activity about Latin American liberators and the second was a review game for the test. 
I also started grading things this week, which is tougher than you think. The hardest thing to grade were the student's French Revolution storybooks because it's really subjective. I also had to write down what the grade levels would be for each score because at first I was grading them a little tougher than what I realized. 
Things I Learned:
Grading is hard. At times I spaced out from the sheer mass of words coming at me. Other times I'd get so frustrated at a capable student's complete lack of effort. My head literally hurt after grading a few storybooks. 
Things I Still Need to Learn:
Classroom management aka learning how to get them to shut it when I need them to. 
Memorable Moment of the Week:
I had a student who wants to do good but really struggles with his work reach out to me to help him study for the test. We went over everything together and I showed him what he needed to study. When he came in for the test on Friday, he NAILED it. I am so so so proud of him. 
Looking Forward To:
Surviving another week!
Honest Thoughts:
I'm still on the fence about whether or not this is the right career track for me, but the good news is that both my cooperating teacher and my supervising teacher think I do a great job in front of the classroom. I love most of the kids but there's so much more to teaching than just the kids and there is so much in my life that is still waiting to happen (like kids hopefully) that I'm not sure I can devote my entire life (which is pretty much what it's going to require at first) to it right now. Who knows, maybe over the next few weeks I'll keep swaying towards teaching considering when I first started doing this I was completely against the idea. 
3 weeks down, 9 to go! We are officially in the single digits!