Hello...It's Me

Well look who decided to return from nowhere...
Last I left this blog, I had four weeks left of student teaching. So much has happened since then, it might be good to just do a "hey this has been my life for the past five months" post. 
So...let's start with the really big news. If you don't follow me on Instagram you might not know that I am expecting a little girl in June. Yay!

On October 13th, during my 6th week of student teaching I found out. It was a Tuesday, and right before I was set to teach my 10th period class (the toughest group of the bunch!) I was overwhelmingly nauseous so I had to have my cooperating teacher take over. Honestly, I just assumed it was nerves because this group was so tough but I was also a few days late. Dave and I had decided to put trying on the back burner while I student taught and just figured we'd let whatever happened happened. I truly didn't think that anything would come of it, considering our struggles. On my way to work that night I decided to stop at Target to pick up a test, figuring it'd be another negative and money wasted. I waited until I got home and then took the test and BOOM there it was a big fat "pregnant". To say that I was shocked is an understatement. 
I spent the next two months just trying to focus on finishing up student teaching and getting acclimated back to work. I'm not going to lie, I would often quiet any excitement or hope that bubbled up during that time since the last two ended up in miscarriages. But then I hit twelve weeks and finished out my first trimester, and then I felt her move at fifteen weeks, then I found out she was a she a day before twenty weeks, and now she's kicking the crap out of me at twenty five weeks and I've never known a joy so great. 

The last month of student teaching was rough but also rewarding. There were some students who fought me tooth and nail the entire time who finally started warming up to me and there were others that I had a great repertoire with who shut down on me. That's teenagers for you....
There's a lot that happened that last month, and I think it deserves a more detailed post later, but I will share my favorite moment. My supervising teacher insisted on showing up during 10th period, no matter how hard my cooperating teacher and I tried to convince him otherwise. The day before he was set to arrive, my cooperating teacher had a scheduled day off so it was me and a substitute teacher, and I gave my 10th period class a heads up that he'd be there the next day. Now to give you an idea of my 10th period kids, there were 21 of them, all academic (lower level), who loved to talk, distract each other, and try to push the boundaries as far as they possibly could. 
The next day, they all filed in quietly and sat down ready to go, something I've NEVER seen them do. One girl, who I had the most discipline issues with, came up to me with panic in her eyes and begged me to move her to a corner of the class where my supervisor wasn't in her direct line of sight because she didn't think she could stay off her phone long enough (seriously, these kids are literally addicted to their phones, you try to find a middle ground with them). The fact that this girl, who HATED me from the start cared enough to think about where she was sitting, whether or not he could see her, and being concerned about it meant so much. Besides two students, the class was so well behaved and so good, it was nothing short of a miracle. It still makes me smile to think about how they came through for me. 
Part of the reason I disappeared here was because the end of student teaching was so exhausting between wrapping up those responsibilities, working my regular job (even if it was part time), and growing my little one. Seriously, this kid knocked me out consistently at 6:30 every night, so I decided to take a break from writing. Then once student teaching was over, I realized I didn't have a whole heck of a lot to write about (still don't) so I just didn't write. Now the little voice in my head that wants to write is starting to squeak again so I figured okay let's just write when it feels right and leave it at that. 
That's my past few months in a nutshell, how about you? 

4 Years

Today marks 4 years that I made the best decision in my entire life. There's something about being married that just made me feel like I finally belonged somewhere. That connection isn't something I've ever experienced with anyone else. 

In the past four years I've learned a lot about marriage like...
-The best way to end a fight is to laugh at yourself. 

-The best sleep I'll ever have is laying in the nook of Dave's shoulder. 
-He's literally my best friend --smelly farts, wayward nose hairs and all

-Falling asleep and waking up next to him will never get old
-He's still the most handsome man I've ever met. 

Happy anniversary Dave! I love you!!

An Update

Last time I mentioned my struggles with conceiving was when I shared the story of how Dave and I lost Bean in June. In the past two months, we have gotten the results back on Bean's genetic testing, plus my blood work (15 vials!) and Dave's. 

The genetic testing determined that had she lived, Bean would have been a girl. Sometimes it's comforting to know what she would have been, other times it's heartbreaking to know that I could have had a daughter. That word is so different to me now, daughter. The way it pierces my mind now, the context of the word has such a heavier connotation. The thing is, she would have never survived because it was determined that Bean had triploidy, which means she had an extra set of all the chromosomes we normally have. You and I have 46 sets of chromosomes, she had 69. As sad as I am for having lost her, I'm also thankful that I lost her as soon as I did. Although rare, I could have entered my second trimester before I miscarried or even given birth to her only to lose her a short time later. I'm already a mess, if I had gotten through the whole pregnancy only to lose her at birth, I'm not sure I would have survived that. 

Dave's genetic blood work showed he had no abnormal genes that would cause issues in pregnancy. My blood work showed no issues either, although we did determine I am a carrier for cystic fibrosis, so Dave will need further testing to see if he is a carrier too. If he is then we are faced with a 25% chance that we could have a baby that suffers from it. So the good news is that there is nothing major going on with us that would prevent us from having a healthy child in the future. 

It sounds ungrateful to say but part of me is not consoled by the fact that there is nothing wrong with Dave and I. Had there been, there may have been a chance we could have fixed it. What this means is that we've just had really bad luck and  what happened to us could happen an infinite number more times before we have a baby. That, coupled with the fact that we aren't conceiving easily, makes it tough for me to have hope. Like I said, I know I should be more grateful that it isn't something serious, or unfixable, but unless you're in my shoes, its tough to explain. 

So the game plan now is to start trying again. The doctor and I have already agreed that Dave and I will try to concieve naturally for the rest of this year and if we don't have any luck I'll go back on Clomid in January. This works out well for me since I will be student teaching this fall (a sign that maybe God had something different planned for me?) and Clomid makes me very rage-y, which isn't a great mix when I'm trying to teach high schoolers. 

Now I just wait and hope for the best. My biggest struggle right now (besides all this) is trying not to allow myself to be consumed by trying to conceive and not letting all this get me down. I'm not going to lie, it is not an easy struggle to try and overcome and many days it's a battle I lose. But each new day is a different day with a new outlook, so I take each day, bad and all, one day at a time. 

Little Women

I'll be honest, I can't remember if I've ever read Little Women, but I do know that one of the themes of the book is the strong sisterhood between the girls. I think that every woman needs a close knit set of women, whether it be sisters, friends, aunts, whatever, a woman needs other "Little Women". 

I've got so many things to be thankful for in my life, but one of the biggest things is the relationship I have with my mom and aunts. They are all such strong, intelligent, independent women that are each great role models to look up to. I think back on all the things they've taught me and just how much they've each shaped me as a person. I would not be who I am today if it weren't for each of their influences.

A few things my "Little Women" taught me (because we'd be here for years if I listed everything):

1. The perfect marriage doesn't exist, but no one knows that. 

From an outsiders perspective, my Aunt Steph's marriage is one for the fairy tale books. I've never seen her openly angry with my Uncle Bob. I've never seen them fight, disagree or be anything but loving towards each other. I can honestly say that those two seem to love each other more and more every time I see them, which seems impossible to fathom since they already seem like they love each other to the max. A long time ago I asked my aunt how she made it seem so easy, and she told me that they never publicly disagree and always support each other when others are around. I'll never know if they have ever fought or not because they've never done it in front of anyone.

2. Sometimes you need to hear things you don't want to hear and you need to listen and learn from it. 

My Aunt Penny seems "tough" on the outside, but inside she's a soft, loving woman. Dave tells me I act more like her than any of my other family (and everyone says I look like Aunt Steph). I've always been a pretty good kid, stayed out of trouble so I didn't have to deal with being in trouble (even as a kid, I thought logically). As an adult though, it almost seemed like I was making up for the times I didn't get in trouble by doing stupid things. Aunt Penny is the first to tell you you're wrong even if you don't want to hear it but she does it in a way that is respectful and loving (most of the time haha) and she makes sure you're understanding it and fixing it. There's no getting out of it until you do.





3. Be kind.

I used to joke that my mom had "save the world" syndrome. She was always doing anything and everything to help everyone, even when it inconvenienced her. As I've grown older I now see why. It's important to be a good person, and you need to be able to put your head on your pillow at night and sleep peacefully. The only way I know how to do that is to make sure that I am a good, decent human being. The days where I don't live up to that, I don't sleep good. Be kind, sleep good. Plus, when you do things that causes you to go out of your way for others, you end up feeling pretty good about it. 










4. It's okay to have fun, no one else is that concerned with you.

My Aunt Steph used to be quiet, introverted, sitting at the table watching everyone else dances the night away, and I used to do the same thing too. Then she hit 35ish and suddenly she was the first one cracking a joke, laughing, dancing. She seemed to have a lot more fun that way, so one day I decided to do the same thing. I can't dance, my best move is the lawnmower but I went up on that dance floor and owned it. And all the things I was afraid of happening, like people laughing at me, never happened and now the lawnmower gets requested at all family functions. It's okay to make an ass out of yourself, as long as you have fun doing it. 

5. Be beautiful (inside and out), be intelligent, be independent, be you (whatever that is).

All three taught me this in so many different ways, there really isn't much more I can say beyond what is listed here.

Do you have your own group of "little women"? What are some things they've taught you?