Replacement List

Back when I had to actively manage my depression, my therapist suggested I create a replacement list. The idea behind a replacement list is that when you start to feel sad you replace those sad thoughts with things that make you happy. I recently stumbled across my replacement list when I was cleaning out my sewing room/library. There's so many fun memories from this list, I thought it'd be fun to share today:

1. Buddy

Buddy was my cat before Nibbler and Squishee. He was a beast in both love and size. 

2. Dave

I  don't really need to elaborate on this one. 

3. Bora-bora (and the ocean huts)

I don't think I need to elaborate on this one either, who doesn't want to visit this place? Replacing bad thoughts with the idea that I may someday vacation there put a smile on my face. 

4. Farmville

It was 2009/2010, I get a pass on this one. 

5. Sewing

I don't think its a surprise to anyone that I love to sew. Seeing a finished project always made me feel so accomplished. 

6. Best Facebook posting ever

I have no idea what this means or what I meant when I wrote it. It's one of life's great mysteries...I really want to know what exactly this meant and I have no freaking clue what it could possibly mean. 

7. Guitar

I was taking guitar lessons at this point, which was always a lifelong dream of mine. I didn't keep up with the lessons much longer after this, which kinda makes me sad. Someday I will learn how to legitimately play the guitar. 

8. Being at the end of a huge book

There aren't many things in life that are more satisfying than finished a really big book, at least for me. 

9. Cow licking his behind

At first glance, I know you're thinking this sounds insane. The story behind this one is that one day I was driving home and I was feeling really down about myself. I live in the country so I was driving past farmland. I prayed to God as I was driving down the road to give me a sign to show me I wasn't alone and that I'd make it through this. At that moment I passed a cow who was trying to lick the side of it's backside. It was the most ridiculously hilarious sight I have seen. The way it's neck was craned, it's eyes bulged, it's massive tongue tried unsuccessfully flopping around, it was just too much for me not to laugh at. I don't know if it was God or coincidence, but I have never seen a cow look so silly since then, so I'd like to think maybe it was a sign from Him. 

10. "Squirrel-munks"

While vacationing in California, my friend and I stopped at a spot along the highway that was right next to the ocean. There you could see seals all along the beach. Up at the lookout point there were these tiny little "squirrel-munks", because they looked exactly like squirrel's but were tiny like chipmunks. They were so friendly and were climbing all over us, I wanted to bring one home so bad. 

11. Seal "log" 

Another one from Cali, I climbed down to a beach in San Simeon. Prior to that, a tour guide had mentioned that seals like to bask in the sun on the beach and you had to be careful not to stumble upon them on the beach or one of you might get hurt. I always assumed all seals were brown and that I'd be able to spot it before there was an issue. Anyway, back to me climbing down to this one beach. I was walking along and saw a white log up ahead. I assumed it was driftwood because that's whiter than normal wood. That is until I was right in front of it and realized it was a seal. He realized as soon as I did that we were both there. He hopped up and squawked at me and started scuttling/hopping towards the water while I ran for the cliffs hoping I could climb faster than he could come after me. When he finally hit the water, he turned around for one last defiant squawk as if hurling an insult at me and then disappeared into the water.  It was one of those once in a lifetime, I'll never experience that again moments.

And there you have it friends, my replacement list circa 2010! What would be on your replacement list? 

Redemption Song

Tomorrow it will be four years since I lost my first cat, Buddy. It feels like it's been so much longer. The anniversary of his death reminds me of his favorite song, and I felt it was appropriate to share today. I won't delve into how I lost him again, you can read about that here if you want to catch up. 

Buddy was your typical cat in the sense that he was aloof to people, even me. Sure, he'd cuddle the crap out of me at night, when no one knew about it, but the minute I woke up, he'd be sure to be out of arms reach. In fact the only person that he would cuddle with openly was Dave. Buddy loved to play, though. We used to joke that he was the dog I always wanted but could never have in an apartment. He played fetch (which Squish does now), he loved walking on a leash, he would "bark" at the door when I would come home from work. 

But he was also a typical cat in many ways. He hated the car and the vet. The very first time I took him to the vet, he got out of the crate and ran underneath a couch the vet had in the office at the time. One hour later, the vet got him out using those long poles that animal control uses to catch animals. Buddy was branded as "difficult" at the vet after that day. But he wasn't difficult, he just knew what he liked and what he didn't like. 

One of his favorite things in the world was Bob Marley's "Redemption Song". I would play the song while on car rides, it was the only thing that would quiet his cries. The minute he began to hear the guitar, he would stop crying and listen. Then, when the song was over, he'd start back up. I don't know what it was but he just loved hearing it. 

Back when I was taking guitar lessons, I begged the instructor to teach me how to play the song. The minute I got home the day I learned it, I started to practice the song on the guitar and Buddy ran into the room, sat across from me and quietly watched me play the song.

The day that we lost him, we rushed him to the hospital in my car. I could tell he was in a lot of pain, I could see it in his eyes, hear it in his voice. When we got into the car, Dave immediately put the song on repeat. We drove the half hour to the emergency vet listening to it over and over. He would let out a feeble cry here and there, but for the most part he just laid there, in my arms, listening to the song. 

I can't listen to the song anymore, without thinking of him. I have conflicted feelings over losing him. I miss him dearly, and still shed tears over his loss; but if I hadn't lost him, I would never have adopted Nibbler and Squishee. I can't imagine a life without them, and I shudder to think that they may have been adopted separately and would have lead a life without each other. 

Obviously this song is so much more than just a cat loving it, and by no means do I mean to diminish the message of the song. It just has so much more meaning to me now because of Buddy's love for the song. 

Back to the Future

My mom recently gave me a bunch of photos of our trip to NYC summer of 2002, when I went up with my friends Lola and Reese. I couldn't believe how much I've changed when I saw the pictures, and it got me thinking about whether or not the old me would be proud of the current me, and at that point I really wish time travel existed. 

Does anyone else long to hang out with their old selves? Anyone? 

Anyway, if teenage me was able to time travel to the future, I think she would be....

Dave circa 2002 

...happily surprised at who I married. I posted  a short"our story" on the blog here. Long story short (if you didn't want to click over), I had a HUGE crush on Dave in high school and we were really good friends (I even drove him to school our last year in high school!), but the timing wasn't right (I was with a really crappy guy) and I thought he was out of my league. I was (am?) a bookish nerd and he was a football playing popular jock. If teenage me knew that, at our senior prom, the next time she would see Dave in a tux was our wedding day, I'm pretty sure she'd faint. 

...surprised that I don't have kids yet. I had this ridiculous plan for my life. Marriage by 25, babies right away and done by the time I'm 30 so I could "live" the life in my 30s I built in my 20s. I think I'd have to knock teenage me around a bit for thinking that. It caused so much stress in my mid-twenties when I wasn't where I was "supposed" to be. 

...happy that I have a college degree, but sad that I'm not a teacher yet. It's okay 17 year old me, that makes me kinda sad too. 

...most likely surprised that I'm 35-40 pounds heavier than her, but also sad that I'm more aware of my pants size than she ever was. 

...ecstatic that Lola and I are still close. We were best friends in high school and had a bit of a lull in our early 20s where we just lost touch due to graduation, college, life. I'm so glad that we work together so we were able to reconnect. We picked up right where we left off and it's awesome!

What would your teenage self think of you?

Goals

Thirteen years ago I wrote down four goals that I wanted to accomplish at some point in my life. I don't know why I wrote these goals down, but my mom hung on to them. 

1. Go to NYU

I wrote this during a time when I was obsessed with Sex and the City and New York City. I also wrote this goal when I had no clue how much it cost to go to college. I'm going to give myself half a point for this one, because even though I didn't go to NYU, I did graduate from college in December which is something I didn't think I'd ever accomplish. Plus, I wouldn't have lasted five minutes in NYC....city life isn't for me and even if it was, I couldn't afford it. 

2. Learn to play guitar

I took guitar lessons a few years ago, but stopped when I couldn't afford to go every week. I'm going to give myself another half credit for this. I can't play guitar well enough to go on stage, but I can play something.

3. Write a book

I wanted to write a book because I always enjoyed writing, and thought it would be a great creative outlet...which is also why I started this blog. I don't think I could write a story long enough for a book, but after writing the short story I posted a little bit ago, I think it'd be cool to write a collection of short stories. When my mom found this list not only had I totally forgotten about it, but I didn't even remember this was part of the list. It's funny how some things never change. 

4. Go to SNL and see a real show

Again, I wrote this during a very specific time, a time when Jimmy Fallon and Chris Kattan were on SNL. I'm not a huge fan of the show now, so I'm changing this goal up to "Go to a Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon" taping, and now that it's out here for you all to see, it's something I'll have to work towards accomplishing.

Do you remember any goals you created when you were younger? Did you accomplish them?

I Feel Witty, oh so Witty!

It's a rare occasion that I'm quick and witty on my feet. Most of the time if someone is playfully making fun of me, I respond with "shut up" because that's all that I can come up with. 

There is one particular moment from my past where I was actually pretty fast on my toes when it came to responding to an embarrassing situation. One of the houses I grew up in with my mom and then-step dad was a quaint little rancher that shared a driveway with a horse farm. The horse farm was located at the front of the driveway, so in the mornings when I would walk to the end of our driveway to wait for the bus, I would have to walk past the horse farm and the house. The people who lived on the farm were kind, sweet people and the husband had this British accent that I loved. 

One morning walking to the bus stop, I began to sing "I Feel Pretty". I'd like to point out at this point in time that I can't sing worth a damn but I do it nonetheless because who doesn't like to sing randomly? Anyway, as I was singing this over and over again on my little trek, the husband with the incredible British accent stepped out of the barn, with a look on his face that confirmed he heard every single off key note I belted out. 

I quickly recovered from this mortifying moment but saying to him, "just scaring the birds away" and walked on. I could hear him laughing as I crossed the street. 

That wasn't the last time he caught me mid-song by the way. The gorgeous dog you see in the picture above is my beloved Zima. Best dog that ever graced this Earth. 

Anyway, I let her outside, while I stayed inside and did dishes. We lived on a little over an acre of land that was surrounded by the horse farm and woods that backed up into a neighborhood. Zima was always really good about staying in our yard most of the time. One time, I couldn't see her so I started walking around the yard singing "Zima" in my most operatic voice possible. My neighbor was in the field next to me watching me make an ass out of myself. 

There was no witty recovery this time, no it was just "Zima get your butt inside" while I ran towards the house wondering if it's possible to avoid a neighbor for the rest of your life. 

Have you ever had a moment in your childhood where you look back now and think about how quick witted you were?

Let the Music Play

 In high school, I had this obsession with CD's so I have a ton of them. A few weeks ago I as I was going through them, certain ones stood out that had meant so much to me at the time. It brought back great memories that I thought I'd share with you. 

Before you judge me for owning an Ally McBeal CD or a Christmas CD, or an Ally McBeal Christmas CD, let me as you this: have you ever heard Robert Downey Jr sing? When he was on Ally, my friend Kristen and I became obsessed with him. We'd have weekend film fests where we'd watch as many 80's RDJ films that we possibly could. When RDJ left Ally I was crushed for weeks. "River" and "Chances Are" were on repeat for at least two weeks while I nursed my broken heart. 

My first TV heartbreak. 

When I was 16, my mom and then step dad separated. It was something I took really hard. He was my best friend, my dad, my rock. When he left, I turned to music to help me get through it. Most mornings at the bus stop I'd play "Wish you Were Here" by Incubus, the entire "Wonder What's Next Album" by Chevelle, and Default. 

Listening to these songs now still takes me back to those moments. 

My senior year in high school I worked at Hot Topic. It all started out as a joke, my friend Lola and I were walking around the mall on my birthday and we were joking that it would be funny for me, in my pink Gap shirt, to apply for a job there. I ended up getting the job and loving every minute of it. Even if I wasn't the typical "Hot Topic" shopper, I still felt like I belonged. 

My first month there I was named employee of the month. Normally, EOTM would choose three albums to play throughout the month, but my manager chose my three albums for me citing my "newness" and not having the time to get my choices from me. Secretly I think he feared I'd ask for Britney Spears or something. Anyway, on of my co-workers named Kurt, who had dreadlocks I was fascinated with, gave me this CD to "borrow" so I could acclimate myself to the music that typically played in our store. I loved this CD and it broadened my horizons to other bands I would have never paid attention to like Finch and Chevelle. 

I obviously never gave this CD back to Kurt, which I kinda feel bad about. However, if it's any consolation I think about him whenever I play it. 

I heard about The Wreckers through One Tree Hill and I loved this CD when it first came out, no scratch that, I still love this CD. It's a shame that the girls only made this one record because it is so damn good. 

There is this one song I used to listen to over and over again, "Cigarettes". The lyrics just resonated with me because the chorus sings " 'cause someday maybe somebody will love me like I need and someday I won't have to prove 'cause someday somebody will see all my worth". I was in a really terrible relationship at the time and I just longed for the day that I would be with somebody who would be good to me. Lucky for me, Dave is all that and more. Now, instead of crying when I hear that song, I smile and think about how far I've come since I first got this CD. 

What are some songs or CD's from your past that mean something to you?

Here's to the Night

Every once in a while Dave and I like to just hang out and reminisce about the past. It's a really fun way to remind ourselves of the great times, the sad times, and the times we connected on a deeper level. 

Saturday night, before falling asleep, we talked about some of our favorite memories and Dave brought up the night we brought home Nibbler and Squishee. Thinking back on that night, I remembered how I felt bringing them home. They were so tiny, I was so afraid I was going to break them. 

I haven't gotten around to sharing my first night with them on the blog here, so I thought I would. It's probably not the most heartwarming tale you would expect...

I had to pick them up by myself from the woman we adopted them from (an incredibly kind woman who ran a little adoption place out of her house) because Dave had to work a bit late. I had bought a mini pet carrier that I knew would fit the both of them so they could be together on the ride home. I'm sure it was terrifying for them to leave the comforts of the woman's house and be stuck in a car with a stranger on a dark night (it was October when we had adopted the boys so it was darker much earlier) and I wanted to make sure they knew they still had each other. 

One the way home my car stunk so bad, like someone had passed gas. I assumed that one or both of the boys had done something in the crate, as cats are notorious for doing in the car, but when I brought them inside I didn't see anything in the crate that needed to be cleaned out. 

I kept the boys confined to the living room when we first came home, so they could get acclimated to Dave and I and one room for now. They were really good, and for the most part just laid on my lap or with Dave. 

Pleas ignore this ridiculously terrible picture of me, but this was me and Nibbler the first night home.

When it came time to go to bed, we brought them upstairs with us and I laid them in between Dave and I, nestled under my arm. I stayed in that position all night, but of course, when my limbs would get stiff I would have to shift a little. I noticed every time I shifted I would smell the same scent that was in the car. After a few shifts, I realized that one of the boys would fart whenever I moved because it scared him! The rest of the night, I laid awake with two adorable kittens in my arms wondering how I managed to adopted the only kitten I've ever known to drop smelly, rotten egg farts and whether or not this would be something we would have to put up with for the rest of our lives. 

My nervous farter (not sure who it was but I have my suspicions) stopped dropping bombs shortly after the first night together, but the memory of it always gives Dave and I a good laugh.  

It's a bit random, but let's make today Memory Monday, share a great or funny memory with me!