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Right after my surgery, for about a week I felt nothing. I wasn't happy, I wasn't sad, I wasn't anything. I was literally in "feelings" limbo. People would ask me how I was doing and the only answer I could say was "I don't know" because I really didn't know. I went on autopilot and it scared me. As much as I didn't want to hurt, I knew that feeling the pain would help me work through everything.
Then the beginning of the next week, I finally felt sad. It sounds weird to say, but it felt so good to feel sad. Feeling the pain of the loss, made me feel normal and human again. I cried to Dave, asked the questions I am sure everyone has asked at some point in time, "why us?" "is God punishing us?" "is this karma coming back, did I do something so bad that karma is reaping punishment?"
There are still fleeting moments where I think about how far along I would have been. There have been epic meltdowns when stupid companies continue to email me and tell me weekly bump updates, even after I unsubscribe and tell them I've lost my child, three times. I would apologize for my harshly worded email but quite frankly I'm not sorry, and if said company was a real human being they would get a swift kick in the crotch.
My heart aches when I see Dave interact with little ones. I know our time will come someday, but we had it. It was right there and now it's not. It still hurts, and I'm sure that's a pain that will never completely go away.
I think the hardest part right now is the fact that this is right about the time that I would have announced it to the world that I was pregnant...which means every other girl out there who found out they were pregnant at the same time is announcing it now. It's funny, it doesn't bother me too much to hear that someone else is pregnant, I'm genuinely happy for them, but once I hear they are due in February it's like a punch to the gut. It takes everything I have not to curl up into a ball right there on the spot.
I was working on my quilts the other day and heard "Small Bump" by Ed Sheeran. At first I thought, "oh great, just what I need to hear. This guy crooning about his soon to be baby", but something told me to keep listening and so I did. At the end of the song, he sings "Cause you were just a small bump unborn for four months then torn from life. Maybe you were needed up there but we're still unaware as why" and that last line pretty much summed up everything I was feeling, have been feeling, and probably will be feeling.
It's a good song, I recommend giving it a listen.